1998-1999

12.21.99
All I can ask
Is a chance at cancer.
I’m already diseased;
Why not make it faster?
All I detest
Is grown in this cancer.
All of myself
That I used to do without….
All I would ask
Is a chance at cancer,
And learn my last lesson
By getting burned.

“Nonmotion”
2.25.98
Embrace the trees,
And they will give back their sweet juice.
The world within;
A black frame and a white edge.
My footprints nonexistent on the beach
This tide.
(It attacks me.)

But you hold keys and swing them,
Which is such enchanting nonmotion
That pulls me in.
Dancing on the driftwood.
I have the juice of the trees running through my fingers,
And on my lips
The amber drops, fresh and new.
(Because of you, I can’t sleep.)

When the black black road turns,
I take my way and stand in your presence
So that the angel sun blinds my eyes.
To such intensity that you bring me,
I don’t care, the chemicals can do what they want.

The water, sweet water,
And the trees bring tears to my eyes;
I can’t touch, I can only look,
And what daggers this drives.
Suggested action. Nonmotion.
It disables me, to see you,
But I can’t look away.
(oh please, spare me….)

1.1.98
The demons tiptoe around me,
Blacker upon the black night,
But will not touch my singed flesh
For honest fright.
I have clawed my way through the dust.
Evaporated martyr that I must
Choose to live as I
Would rather choose to die,
And chase away a sweet oblivion of thought.
Canvassed by this evil tirade;
Walking away without knowing
Or understanding fully what I said.
Digging knife into the arm that offends,
I pull all this sticky sap,
This hidden trap, out of my head.

I am so self-centered,
And I don’t like it,
And I don’t want to hear it.
Derivation of bleeding animals that don’t want the bread.
Empty butterfly,
But not needing any.

I am at my best when depressed.
The words become gnawing beetles at my teeth;
Cockroaches command my heart.
If I am dragged bloody into the arena,
Make it swift that you kill me,
For all this crushing weight in this
Crushed and cruel heart is not a thing
I taste so easily.

If there were angels, would they defend me?

I don’t want to move but sitting still
Wastes my time and in between,
I see the secrets and the lies.
There beneath is blue sky,
Happy to encounter all that I give faith to;
With its cool feminine hand it says,
‘Bring to me experience, that I may suck it dry.’
And all the dreams originate in sleep which
I cannot achieve.

Who knows what I want now or what will happen?
And nobody knows whose side to be on.
I am stuck in here and
Need to be released from
My unsatisfied life.